Being February 2nd, today (2022) is Groundhog Day. It is customarily used for a measure of the remaining extent of winter. If the groundhog sees his shadow, winter will last 6 more weeks. If not, there will be an early spring. Here in Charlotte, where there has been snow on each of the last three weekends, hopefully he won't see it. Though I think we would have to check with a local groundhog.
But what I am referring to stating the "Not For You" is in reference to the movie Groundhog Day, where the day repeats a number of times with the central character, played by Bill Murray, awakened by an alarm clock radio playing Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe". It isn't until he reforms himself from a self-centered, self-serving, weather man into a talented and caring person to win the heart of a co-worker played by Andie MacDowell.
We get into a habit of re-living the day, doing the same things at the same times, and we lose appreciation for the people, places, and things all around us. Then it hits us. Our spouse gets sick or suddenly dies. That makes every day different. Painful. You wish that the day repeated was the previous one, so we could give our spouse our attention, appreciation, and affection, like Bill learns to do. But it's too late for that.
Soon, we get into another repeating pattern, being alone, going through all of the emotional states of grief, but usually a combination of acceptance and depression. Or if not depressed, then anhedonic or unable to feel pleasure.
In the movie, Bill is frustrated, sarcastic, anti-social, psychopathic, and more, wanting to get out of that loop, over which, he had no control. We, however, make our own loop, but may accept that our life will now always be like this. We have control over this loop. We must break out of it and that requires some bravery to do so. The strength to do it may come from prayer, a close family member, or a caring friend. But the pattern must be broken.
I tell members of A Widows Walk Meetup group and other widowed friends to get out, socialize, voluteer, or join other groups. The most beneficial, I have found, is to volunteer. By helping others, we get help as well. I also write these essays, presenting inspired thoughts and ideas, so that they don't feel so alone. That they are the only one going through this kind of pain.
We should also examine and renew our faith. Ask our priest, minister, rabbi, imam, or whichever leader and also our God or deity for help. The response may astound you. I also saw a counselor, a Stephen Minister, for 18 months. Unlike the Groundhog Day reference, it was much longer than 6 weeks.
Yes, it may be tough and we may make mistakes, but that is how it was before and during our marriages. You may want to re-marry, or just have close friends. You deserved them before and you do deserve them now.
